Christmas Crackers

She made no response, so he tapped her on the arm and repeated the question.

‘Aay,’ she said at the top of her voice.

He pointed at his mouth and grinned.

She looked at him as if he were mad, then pulled an earplug from one ear.

‘What did you say?’

‘Does the grin hurt,’ he asked. ‘And why have you got earplugs in?’

‘You get used to the grin after a while,’ she said tiredly, while simultaneously maintaining the happy and perky expression.

‘I’m contractually obligated to be happy and jolly. It’s in the fine-print. Eight dollars an hour to grin like a frigging maniac.’

‘Good money,’ asked Donnie.

‘Better than “working for the dole”,’ she replied.

‘Oh?’

‘Have you seen the internment camps you get sent to?’

‘Oy, you on a go-slow or something,’ called a voice from the crowd.

‘Conferring with my staff,’ said Donnie. ‘As to who gets the best present.’

The children suddenly ceased their yelling and screaming and became awfully good girls and boys.

‘That’s blackmail,’ exclaimed another voice. ‘You can’t do that!’

‘It won’t be you then, will it,’ said Donnie who returned his attention to the Q & A session.

‘What about the earplugs?’

‘They didn’t say anything about listening to this crap music all day,’ the girl answered. ‘It’s the one advantage I have over you: I don’t have to listen to anything.’

‘What’s that– oh-no,’ said Donnie as his ears tuned into what his subconscious had filtered out. Some duck was squawking about Christmas day and what some impoverished couple got up to in a stable.

‘Thanks for that,’ said Donnie in a depressed and sarcastic tone.

‘Oh, sorry,’ said his assistant, her expression faltering slightly. ‘Thought you’d worked it out.’

She mused a moment.

‘Course, I should have realised you’d managed to ignore it since you hadn’t gone insane and started stomping around stuffing presents down people’s throats.’ She shrugged. ‘Oh well, live and learn.’

Donnie took a deep breath. Stuffing was certainly now an option.

‘You’d think with the money they must make,’ she continued, ‘a shopping center like this would be able to afford more than one CD to play.’

‘Fuck Off. There’s only one?’